Gender-Fluid Story: Neither, Both, Mine

The Confession I Finally Made

I am Quinn, I am twenty-seven, and I am gender-fluid, and for a long time I tried to pick one version of myself and stick to it, even when it did not fit. Jordan is thirty, an adult, my lover, and Jordan had seen me in a tie one night and in makeup the next, and had never once asked me to choose. One evening in our apartment, I finally confessed it out loud, that I am neither and both, that some nights I want to be sharp and suited and in charge, and other nights I want to be soft and painted and taken, and that I wanted Jordan to want every version of me. Jordan listened, Jordan kissed me, and Jordan said they wanted all of me. I felt a weight lift off my chest, I felt my whole body relax for the first time in months, and I felt wet and hard at the same time, because being accepted completely was the most arousing thing Jordan had ever done for me.

Jordan did not ask me to explain myself further, and that made it hotter. Jordan poured us a drink, Jordan sat me down on our sofa, and Jordan asked me which version I wanted to be first that night. I chose the soft one first, makeup and a silk shirt, because I wanted to feel Jordan's hands on me while I was painted and pretty. Jordan did my eyeliner slowly, Jordan kissed my neck, and I was already wet and hard, thinking about how good it felt to be seen, completely, without having to hide any part of who I am.

Neither, Both, In Our Apartment

Jordan led me to our bedroom and laid me back on the bed, still in makeup, still in silk, and Jordan kissed me hard and then kissed down my chest, my stomach, and my thighs. Jordan touched me, Jordan tasted me, and I arched and moaned, because being touched as this version of me, soft and open, made every sensation sharper. Jordan took me in Jordan's mouth, slow and wet, and I came with a cry, gripping the sheets, while Jordan held my hips steady and looked up at me like I was exactly what Jordan wanted. I moaned Jordan's name, I begged Jordan not to stop, and I came again, harder this time, with Jordan's mouth still on me and Jordan's hands holding me exactly where Jordan wanted me.

Then I changed, because that is who I am. I wiped off the makeup, I put on the tie, I buttoned a crisp shirt, and I became the other version, sharp and in charge, and Jordan loved that version just as much. I pushed Jordan back onto the bed, I kissed Jordan hard, I held Jordan's wrists above Jordan's head, and I took Jordan slowly, deeply, while Jordan moaned my name. I felt powerful, I felt desired, and I felt completely myself, in a tie, taking the lover who wanted every version of me.

Every Version Of Me

Jordan was not finished with me, and I was not finished with Jordan. We switched again, halfway through the night, makeup back on, tie still around my neck, neither and both at once, and Jordan laughed and pulled me close. I rode Jordan slowly, I moved the way I wanted to move, and Jordan held my waist and whispered that they loved all of me, every version, every night. I came again, shaking, with Jordan's hands on my hips and Jordan's mouth on my neck, and I stayed there, still moving, still wanting more of Jordan.

Still Fluid, Still Wanting Jordan

After that, we lay together in our bed, and I was still wet, still hard, still wanting Jordan again. I did not want to pick one version and stay there. I wanted Jordan to take me again, soft and then sharp, and I told Jordan so, and Jordan laughed and rolled me over and took me from behind, slow and deep, until I was moaning into the pillow and coming for the third time that night, with my tie loose around my neck and my makeup smeared. Jordan held me down, Jordan whispered my name, and I gave Jordan everything I had.

We showered together after, hot water running over both of us, and Jordan washed my back, and I washed Jordan's, and then I pressed Jordan against the tiles and kissed Jordan until Jordan was moaning too. I touched Jordan, I tasted Jordan, and I made Jordan come with my mouth and my hands, because I wanted Jordan to feel as wanted as Jordan had made me feel. That night was not about choosing. It was about being neither, both, and mine, completely, with a lover who wanted every version of me.