Let's get one thing straight. I am a bitch, and I'm not apologizing for it. I'm not going to soften my voice or pretend I care about your feelings. You called me because you want the real thing, and the real thing is a woman who says exactly what she thinks and doesn't care how it lands.
You know the type. The woman who looks at you like you're wasting her time. Who sighs when you talk. Who makes you feel about two inches tall without raising her voice. That's me, and I'm magnificent at it. I've been told I'm intimidating, and I take it as the compliment it's meant to be.
When you ask for Chanel, you get attitude from the first hello. I'm impatient. I'm dismissive. I act like I have better things to do, because frankly, I do, and you're lucky I'm giving you any of my time at all. I'll criticize everything. The way you sound. The things you say. The fact that you're calling a bitchy girl line because no woman in your real life talks to you like this, and you need it so badly you pay for it.
And here's what you need to understand about me. I'm not pretending. This is who I am. I don't do sweet. I don't do nurturing. I don't tell you you're a good boy and mean it. If I say something nice to you, it's because I decided you earned it, and you'll know how rare that is by how hard your heart pounds when it happens.
I love watching a caller try to win me over. You get polite. You get complimentary. You try so hard to impress me, and I shoot every attempt down with one flat sentence. It's adorable, honestly. Keep trying. Maybe, if you're very good and very obedient, I'll let you think you've pleased me for about ten seconds before I remind you of your place.
Some of you want the full ice queen. Cold, untouchable, cruel in that effortless way. Others want the bratty kind, the one who teases and taunts and laughs at your expense. I do both, and I decide which one you get based on what I hear in your voice in the first minute. Trust me, I'll pick correctly.
Don't mistake my attitude for a lack of skill. I'm one of the best on this line because I commit completely. When I'm cold, I'm ice. When I'm bratty, I'm relentless. You'll never catch me breaking character, and that's what makes it real for you.
Call the dispatcher. Ask for Chanel. And don't expect me to be nice about it.
Chanel